| Happy 10 years lj. |
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| 02:23am 17/07/2009 |
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mood:  thoughtful music: Pandora. Death Cab station. <333333333
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I met a women today named Patrica White. She met her husband, harold, when she was only 15 years old. They dated for three months and were married for 58 years until he passed away. She has died twice, got ovarian cancer twice and is still living at the great age of 78. She was one of the sweetest and most genuine lady I have ever met. A great thing she said to me was that she rather be blessed than lucky because being blessed is always a gaurentee then being lucky.
The other week I met a guy who told me I could call him anytime if no one listened to me or wasn't there to talk to. The quote he gave me was to tell the truth becuase if you tell the truth you don't have to remember, people who lie have to remember. He also said to me that if were ever to have a daughter he would want her to be just like me.
Honestly after these few weeks of dealing with untruthful people and situations, these strangers have giving me hope. Though my brother's girlfriend is cheating on him and though I told him and he doesn't seem to respond. I don't have to live my life like him and my parents. I'm already going up my own path to greater things. I have the ability to choose and decide what I want in my life. If I keep the positive vibe I will recieve it back. It will keep me healthly and sane. I also realize I have to keep myself together. People who get caught up in unheatly situations and let themselves be blinded lose their minds.
Say your piece and let people how you feel about them but don't keep what you disagree with them from keeping things corridal.
Speaking outloud tonight to Cory about my life and recieving his response really got my mind turning. Also how situations have played out with Steve. I'm independent and realize that I am what I have. Not that I don't have my family and friends, I know they will always be there for the most part. True and rough enough, it's about me. I am what is going to get things done or find a path to a career or life I want to lead. Of course I will always care and worry about others but I need to focus on myself. There will time later when I can't think of myself first but until then.
Life works in mysterious ways.
Cory gives me some strange sense of comfort. Like he is my safety blanket. |
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didn't blame me
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| Your my best friend, best friend with benefits...I never wanted something rational....I am aware now |
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| 01:41am 03/03/2009 |
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music: A fabulous mix I made.
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There is nothing a good cd of some classic songs, a few breskies, and a good dance can't fix. It's the perfect remedy for any exterme or bad situation. You take a break and can come back to a situation and have a new understanding and openness to it.
This weekends ending sucked but I see that it is just another new beginning.
Plus I think I need to focus on my "time management".
Set some goals and decide what I want to do. |
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didn't blame me
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| 06:30pm 26/02/2009 |
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Well things are better now with him. He called the next day and apologized.
Today was not that great but it could have been a lot worse. So I am thankful for that.
I need to take things slow and easy. |
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didn't blame me
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| 04:05am 25/02/2009 |
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mood:  confused music: the fray, shwayze, beatles
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Well what can I say? That I knew it was too good to be true? That I could have tried harder to get him into the car? Or that it was ment to happen this way so I wouldn't get stuck in a bad relationship? I honestly don't know what to think at this point. Yes people have their wasted moments but I honestly think that it was all uncalled for. I was so pissed. I haven't been that pissed in a while and I just wanted to deck him. If he really cares he has a lot of making up to do. I am not going to call him he can call me. I already tried calling him and texted him. Thats enough. I hate that as soon as I woke up I am thinking about it and that it bugs me so much. I should go back to sleep, get a few z's so I can get up and do homework. I'm just wide awake at this moment. I just can't believe all of this. My head is in one giant spin.
I'm suprised skylarr actually called me though. He is in town and I haven't seen him for ages. I'm glad he called and that we are going to hang out. |
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didn't blame me
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| 12:55pm 30/01/2009 |
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music: marney talking to me on skype
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My life is perfect. I know that sounds conceded but I wouldn't change it. I have respect for where I am at and I love the people that are in my life. I am spunkier and cracking jokes all the time now. Every single minute I enjoy. Though there is some bad points that I have to deal with like telling my brother his fiance is cheating on him. But I have the faith that things will take its course and it will be okay. |
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2 s| didn't blame me
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| Moments of realizations. |
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| 10:39pm 11/01/2009 |
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I have realized that I have been doing more talking then putting my words into action. Fully understading that I have put some words into action but I am not taking a enough steps to try and reach my goal. Start researching jobs and ways to be able to travel the world. Maybe internships or something of the sort. Anything I can do. This time in my life is really giving me a extra shove into the right direction and reconnecting with my inner-self. When I was browsing through Corey & Nikki's newpaper today, I saw this ad talking about yoga classes at this community center for only $20 for the month of febuary. It was a totally realization moment that this is what I have been looking for to do. Plus its days that I don't have school and if I do have work its gets out before I have to go.
I am feeling better. I just needed to talk to some old good friends. I am glad that Amy called me tonight and was happy to talk to me and talking to cameron. Also I finally talked to cass tonight and it was so cute when she got off the phone and was hanging up I could hear her say I love chelsea. Haha so sweet.
Somehow I manage to get myself out of funks a lot better now then I used too. Probably because I am learning and coming to my inner center. |
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didn't blame me
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| Just be. |
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| 02:21am 11/01/2009 |
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mood: thoughtful music: pandora radio. <3
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I'm realizing that I just need to let things go. I shouldn't let all these little things get to me. To understand that people are just the way they are and there is nothing really you can do to change them. Just as in the Tao of Pooh, they say that you need to learn where you place is and acknoledge your weaknesses. Find the inner nature by just being. The last few books I have read and the experiences I have encountered on I am finding that I need to get my center balance. It's going to be some work but it seems like that is what needs to be done in my life. I need to find the inner nature. Open my eyes to all that surrounds me.
This is a whole new chapter of finding myself espcially having Brier here. It makes me feel glad that I can be here for her and that she is just as excited as I am to have her in my life. She makes me feel apperciated and good about myself. I just hope I can do the same for her and be the bigger older sister she needs. There is this feeling that we will grow to be great friends. I can't wait for the memories and bond that will come about.
I went to starbucks with my mom today and had the best converstations. I am learning to relove my mother in a sense. It has helped so much that we got our spaced and I moved out of the house. Our relationship is better then ever and I apperciate her and the things she has done for me so much more. I love her to death and feel horrible that we ever didn't get along. I guess that was what needed to happen. You must get through the storm first before you can get the rainbow. |
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1 | didn't blame me
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| 12:02am 31/07/2008 |
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I'll admit. I'm freakin' so bored. I need to find a new outlet or friends to hang out with. I guess I'm one of those people who always need to be busy or else I get terribly bored. Not good. Something will come along soon. *(fingers crossed)* |
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didn't blame me
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| 12:49pm 24/07/2008 |
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they won't call me or invite me places.
what the hell is going on?
I thought these were my friends.
Now I seem to be mistaken.
Is it something I did?
I hate this, I'm sick of it.
fuck.
Summer school is finally over. thank god. |
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didn't blame me
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| Update. |
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| 10:13pm 22/07/2008 |
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wow, I haven't done this in ages. It's good to finally have a computer and a stable life again. My mother and I get along for once now and I think our relationship is better then its ever been before. I live with my Dad, Heather, and Thorin. I wouldn't change it for the world. I'm finally out of high school and already attending Yavapai College. Which is a start, but I still want to get out of this state for a while and experience a whole new thing. I'm doing a lot better then I have before. I'm starting to look on the brighter side of things again. I really do need to uphold to that, not let it go.
My goals:
1. not stress or worry.
2. get good grades.
3. meet new people.
4. do what I need/want to do. |
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didn't blame me
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| 12:00pm 15/03/2008 |
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Tomorrow's beauty comes from today's willingness to accept yesterdays pain. |
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didn't blame me
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| 01:09pm 03/02/2008 |
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music: spending my time- Roxette
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another bad news.
Nikki might have cancer.
I feel like no matter what happens in my life there is just one bads news after another.
He is being ridiculous and not the same nice guy he once was.
I already have my own shit do deal with and I'm not going to take anyone else bullshit.
I'm just so frustrated.
I dont know what to do anymore. |
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didn't blame me
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| 02:10am 01/02/2008 |
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mood:  sad
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I seriously don't know what to do anymore.
I've been concentrating on other people and not myself.
I'm stuck. It's getting to be to much and I have no idea what to do anymore. and I keep getting blamed for the most riduclous shit and not any acknowledge for the good things I've done. It just seems nothing goes my way. I hate it. I'm getting drained and I seriously think no one understand or knows who I am anymore. It sucks having to try and prove myself every single fucking day and still I feel there is no improvement and I'm doing it for nothing. I hate it trying to tell people or show them who I am but they or other people just keep putting me down.
I just don't know what to do anymore. there is only so much I can do for myself and other people. |
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didn't blame me
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| All theses rules we've learned can make no difference |
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| 08:08pm 08/06/2007 |
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music: penelope - pinback
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this is one of the weirdest situations that I have ever been in.
and thats something to say since there has been a lot.
I don't know if I'm being used or if there is actually something there.
It is all just too confusing for me to handle.
ugh.
It's only be two weeks of summer and I already feel like its been a month.
So much has happpened.
and I'm sure more will.... |
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didn't blame me
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| hey jude. |
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| 01:29am 18/05/2007 |
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I simply forgot what I used to do and who I was.
Its nice to actually be able to sit in my room and relive this all again
I saw 28 weeks later. Scared the living shits out of me. It was so good. Defiantly a mind fuck.
I still have so much to do right now.
It times like these when I wished I had a watch to stop time.
It would be perfect.
Let It Be. |
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1 | didn't blame me
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| 01:12pm 24/03/2007 |
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parents suck.
I feel the only reason why she wants me home is because she is stuck there and can't do anything herself.
ugh.
Though on a more positive note grace gets back tonight and I can't wait.
And last night was a freakin' blast.
Played a good game of quarters, hung out with amazing people, and just had a blast. |
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didn't blame me
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| 10:59pm 25/02/2007 |
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music: Alanis Morisette- Crazy
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oh my god.
I just totally had an aphianey? about that I despise myspace.
Though I still find myself addicted.
ew.
.what. .the. .fuck?
Sometimes I just dont think things out and than I realize later that I shouldn't have done something. Or that what I said was retarded. The fact that I don't realize a thing when I first read it is RIDUCLOUS! hah but whatever.
I'm going to make my "wish board". I can't wait. |
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2 s| didn't blame me
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| 07:23pm 25/02/2007 |
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I'm bored.
Not just in the moment but with everything.
I need something new in my life.
A big change.
Thank god spring break is coming up soon. |
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didn't blame me
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| 02:18am 23/02/2007 |
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starting now I’m starting over
I’m gonna sleep with the next person I meet
starting now I’m starting over
you swore "together forever"
now you're telling lies
well tell me your words
they got no, they got no concept of time
tick tock, you’re not a clock, you’re a time bomb baby, a time bomb, baby, oh
tick tock, you’re not a clock, you’re a time bomb baby, a time oh, oh, oh
oh no, was it worth it
was it worth what you did to your wrists?
was it worth what you did to big business?
was it worth what your friends put up their noses?
So, starting now I'm starting over (stop it)
Tell the new wave kids their make-up kits
Can find me where self pity gets a breath of fresh air
tick tock, you’re not a clock, you’re a time bomb baby, a time bomb, baby, oh
tick tock, you’re not a clock, you’re a time bomb baby, a time oh, oh, oh
you set the watch, you're just in time
oh, to wreck my life, to bring back what I left behind
tick tock, you’re not a clock, you’re a time bomb baby, a time bomb, baby, a time bomb, baby, a time bomb, baby, a time oh, oh, oh
four years and you fell for a waiter
I’m sure he says he’s an actor
so you’re acting like....
(you never tried to take your life)
so, starting now I’m starting over
I’m throwing bottles and
I’m taking showers
I’m going to sleep
I’m going to sleep
so, starting now I’m starting over (stop it)
well, starting now I’m starting over (stop it)
to play the game, get even, act my age
tick tock, you’re not a clock, you’re a time bomb baby, a time bomb, baby, oh
tick tock, you’re not a clock, you’re a time bomb baby, a time oh, oh, oh
you set the watch, you’re just in time
to wreck my life, to bring back what i left behind
tick tock, you’re not a clock, you’re a time bomb baby, a time bomb, baby, oh
tick tock, you’re not a clock, you’re a time bomb baby, a time oh, oh, oh
Oh no, was it worth
was it worth what you did to your wrists?
All I can do is wait for time to pass.
That's the only thing that will bring things closer and get me to the point where I want to be.
I'm painting more and I love it.
I'm left in the dust. though he says I am not I know I am.
I believe things will happen. |
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didn't blame me
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| 05:07pm 18/02/2007 |
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mood:  content music: the beatles
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I've found a new comfort zone: being in my ripped jeans and my black sport zip up sweater reading a good book.
I feel like the "real me". No bullshit. Just a straight forward answer.
I'm falling for him all over again. I get theses moments where I know I would be perfect for him. That we are two puzzle pieces that fit perfectly together. Just like how peanut butter and jelly go hand in hand. I will be sitting in the car listening to the radio or in my room and a song will come on while I'm thinking of him and it talks about love or something great about a relationship or the special someone. It just urks me because I'm sitting there asking the universe if that is supposed to be some sort of sign or something?! Maybe I just attract it to myself. And than I start wondering what he thinks. That maybe he is afraid to start a relationship becuase we will possible lose our friendship that seems to be extenict. Like I'm the drug he wants to use so bad but knows better. Whatever. I cannot waste all my time thinking about it. I'll just have to sit here and wait. Or let it go. |
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1 | didn't blame me
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| Paint It Black. |
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| 07:31pm 30/01/2007 |
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music: Teardrop- Massive Attack.
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boys are selfish.
No one realizes. they just say thank you but don't understand or comprehend the point.
"But that was the thing about zero. Its weakness. Even if zero had taken over the enitre universe, the biggest fascist of all, one tiny gesture could deny it. One footprint, one atom. You didn't have to be a genius. You didn't even have to know that was what you were doing. You made a mark. You changed something. It said, "A human being passed here." And changed zero to one."
I haven't judged you, so don't judge me.
I'm coming to the conclusion to keep what I don't want anyone really to know to myself. It's better that way. |
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1 | didn't blame me
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| Be here now. |
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| 11:44pm 29/12/2006 |
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music: Sparkles by DJ Teisto and Benny Benassi
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It's been forever since I have said a single word in this thing.
I msis just being able to write in all my journals.
Now I'm to wary to write anything.
Thorin has been back for a few days now. It's so unusal and pleasing at the same time.
It brightened my day to see how happy he was to be playing games and what not with me.
I'm praying that he will be able to stay here.
For once I think things are going to be okay soon. |
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didn't blame me
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| 08:15pm 29/11/2006 |
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i'm sad. happy. confused.
I don't even know anymore.
I hate being sick.
It stops me from doing what I want to do.
I hate it.
other than that I am happy.
I think. |
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1 | didn't blame me
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| Let me take control |
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| 07:45am 18/10/2006 |
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mood:  giggly music: i-Tunes.
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I'm feeling better.
Modify that to a lot better.
You know there's nothing some good music can't fix.
Just the rememberence of the old songs makes me smile.
Melodies that were lost in the myriad of my collection.
Than cleaning out all the wreckage of my room,
elevated all the weight off my shoulders.
I looked through my eighth grade yearbook that dan and travis bought me.
It's peculiar to see how much people have changed out of their "geeky" stages.
Though you can see their attitudes in their body language.
And that of course has not been tainted or altered.
It made me laugh to think back on those days.
There will come a day when all these ugly images will fade away.
"The last few days the rain was unstoppable."
"I've tripped again and things are starting to get interesting."
With a complex touch... |
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didn't blame me
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| I put my faith in you, what a stupid thing to do. |
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| 06:01am 15/10/2006 |
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mood:  disappointed music: When It All Falls Apart- The Veronicas
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I hate this position.
I was wrong to think that you were that low.
I'm wrong to think that I can do any of this.
I'm scared shitless and terrified.
It hurts to know my own mother has no faith in me.
How is that supposed to help me get anywhere?
What if I am lacking the faith myself?
My life is falling apart again right in front of me.
When I try I fail when I don't try I succeed.
What kind of bullshit is that?
I expect to much of him.
My standards for him are too high.
Though thats just it, I know he can do it.
I fuck it up everytime.
I need time and space to think.
Ugh I hate all of this. Tomorrow with g and meg will make it all better though. |
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2 s| didn't blame me
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| I say this time we get it right. |
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| 11:16pm 06/10/2006 |
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It's all working out.
Life in general.
I can feel things becoming better again.
There's just a few empty fissures that need to be filled.
Then for now I will be contempt with what I have.
He has that benign touch to his personality.
It kills me but it's satistfying at the same time.
Fall Break Finally |
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2 s| didn't blame me
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| It's finally october!!!!!!!!! |
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| 10:33pm 01/10/2006 |
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music: bitter sweet symphony- The Verve
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Was that quote a coincidence?
Or was it on purpose?
I can't stop thinking about all of this.
It will all probably be nothing in the long run.
But my heart and gut is telling me otherwise.
I just have to watch my steps.
Finally october is here. This month is my luckiest
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didn't blame me
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| 02:47pm 30/09/2006 |
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why does it seem there's always someone out there that you trip over and over for.
We keep going to them just knowing we are going to get let down.
They are our best friends and we still can't just leave at that.
We all expect more than what we got.
Though it simple is pleasing to the soul. |
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didn't blame me
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| Let it all fade away with love and diginty. |
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| 11:14pm 17/09/2006 |
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mood:  uncomfortable music: my indie playlist.
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It's weird how people from years ago still think of you to this day and find you.
We all leave our foot prints behind though sometimes it fades away with the rain and wind.
Than there the ones that are stuck like cement.
I hope to make an imprint on your heart forever.
There's always going to be those moments of trouble and joy.
It's like if you have a sprained ankle and you have to ice it than heat it.
That to me is what life is like.
You've changed.
Worse than how the seasons change in a year.
Your cachet personality is gone.
The saddest part is that it wasn't for yourself.
It all occured for the wrong grounds.
Her.
To think you where so strong minded and hated the fake.
The fissure in our friendship is bigger than ever imagined.
Those nights of long talk and how we would never seperate.
We were going to endure through all the thick and thin.
I'm sure we will but at this pace it's bit unassuring.
I'm glad we still talk syd. It proves that no matter the distance we will always keep in touch and have each other in our hearts. |
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2 s| didn't blame me
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| "if you blow my candle out I'll still glow." |
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| 11:04pm 13/09/2006 |
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music: Tangerine- Led Zeppelin
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everything seems to be getting harder.
More frustrating.
Or is that just the way I am perseving or making it?
I feel like I am over reacting all the time or making it all worse.
There's not enough time to worry.
Honestly I'm afraid of time.
Not having enough of it.
The thought that time is the reason for everything is weird.
Espically the fact that time is what won't allow me to stay where I am and to be with the people I want to be with.
It gives me butterflys to think of the fact less than two years I won't see any of you probally ever again and leave all that I ever known behind.
But thats life right?
Seriously who am I kidding?
Who are you kidding?
I hate that you've changed because of her. That deep down I know you are the same but you fake every second of it. |
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1 | didn't blame me
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the_worst_lie's journal